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The Battle
By Sheila Bradshaw

There’s a pain
In me that runs deep
A stain that wraps around my throat like chains
And my life it threatens to keep.

I hang in a fine line balance
Between sanity and insanity of the mind
I draw people close yet I keep them at a safe distance
To build my armies with the right find.

The darkness hunts me
I know it draws near
I feel so alone yet I know that can’t be
yet I fight for the fear
Not to be shown
For I can’t let my weaknesses be known.

They invade my domain
Leaving more and more bloodstains
How can I deal and maintain?
As this grows more and more insane?

I stand now on the astral planes
Venting my mental screams into the night
My life frustrating and so arcane
As I see the approaching demons in the night.

To give or not to give
Is but the infinite question
As I choose to fight, die or live
To let the world live or die
Are my two possible actions!

Just some random thoughts

Things have been pretty rough he past six to seven months. Had the worse top stresses you could think bout. Moved mid January to be with my so called fiance, got married at the end of January to my so called husband, gave up a decent damned good paying job and benefits that could have supported myself in the process of all that, and was only treated like shit. I admit yes, that not everything was totally his fault. I do admit that now reflecting back on certain things there were things I could have lightened up a little on, but not a whole entire lot of it. Now have I thought about going back to said wana be "husband" to work things out? Yes I have. Primarily because its my first marriage, but on the same token at what cost does someone put themselves back in the same abusive situations.

This was a man who'd rather spend time on his x box 360 for three hours in a row to unwind instead of spending time with his newly wedded wife. This is a man who didn't seem proud of the fact he was newly married enough to take time out to put her on his tricare insurance through the military that should have been done the same day I was put on his DEERS. It took him two months and my room mate tricking him to put me on his TRICARE insurance. I didn't have any type of insurance for two months even when I thought I was possibly pregnant back in February with HIS child. It boggles my mind to think that a newly married man had no pride in any of this at all. But then again those who know my "Husband" would tell you that he probably never would. I'm honestly not sure. Is this said man capable of love? Yes he is...I've seen it first hand...just not very often. Why am I ranting on this? I guess just to get some personal thoughts out of my head that I"ve been racking my brain over and try to start some type of healing process. I may never fully know the answers or reasoning to why he treated me the way he did. For those who've been there they just know like I do it hurts.....it hurts really bad.

I've been back almost 3-4 months I've not received any monetary aide from the spousal support that I'm supposed to be reeving, and moms barely able to keep enough money right now to provide the amount of food we need as well. I feel like I can't contribute to the family where I need to be helping. I'm just in a pretty depressed slump right now. Probably why I haven't really added any new art or anything of that nature. I do plan on picking back up on some art comic book drawing sometime soon though. Wish me luck, will need it. Seems right now in life I can't really do a whole hell of lot right though I know that's not true. Maybe things will turn around soon and I'll get a break in some where.

It didn't help that on Sunday I wound up pretty sick from helping a friend move into her apartment on Friday. I babysat some children who had been sick with the 24 hour virus bug before that, and wound up catching it. So I guess I have pretty good reasoning for feeling as gloomy as I've been feeling this week. I also haven't had a period in over a month too and at the same time I was sick to my stomach puking up my guts Sunday it hit me as well. So not only are my sides sore from being sick as bad as I was most of the day yesterday, but I am also hurting and moody from cramps. I guess that's why I have reached this slump that I have reached tonight. I'm just tired of always seeming to be the one to come out on bottom and the black sheep of the family. I don't know right now in my life. Good song I'm listening to right now CreekMary's Blood by Nightwish kinda fits my mood right now. I hope every one else is doing well however, and blessed be for the night.

My Luck Changing? Maybe?

I do have some exciting news! *knocks on wood* It seems my luck is turning around some what. I finally have a job interview tomorrow at 9:30am! Then I have my psychology appointment around 3pm I believe. So keep me in positive thoughts for the interview position. Its out at Shannon Medical Center for patient records access position. This would either be for the Emergency Room or for the Women & Children Imaging Center. To be honest I don't think I would do well working in the ER for certain reasons. Those who know me well would know why. I do think however, I could handle working on Women and Children imaging Center floor though.

From what I understand on the job its the following description:

Under general supervision of the Registration Coordinator admits, registers, collects, and processes, all inpatient/outpatients admissions to Shannon Medical Center. ER Registration: 1 Full-time 1 Part-time Women's and Childrens: 1 Part-time (Sat./Sun. 7-3 and Mon. 3-11)

If I have it my way I would perfer as already stated Women's and Children's Area of working then I would Er. If Er is all they have open by that time I'll take it, this would help build my queasy stomach side to a tolerable level but thats depending what I saw too XD

Divorce Papers Coming My Way

My entire worlds falling apart. I don't want to think any more. I don't want the pain any more. I sit here right now crying. Luke merely messaged me long enough online to tell me that he's already started talking to a lawyer and that all I need to do is sign divorce papers when they show up at the door. I've already thrown up once since Luke has told me this. He doesn't even have the damned guts to tell me over the phone on this. I hurt. There's a lot of pain. I can't describe it more then that. I don't think he ever loved me. I feel used beyond words that can describe what I am feeling. I feel he just flat used me. That's all I can really say. I was too blind and walked right into it. All I can do now is let the healing began....Some how...

A Random Update

I wanted to do an update so people knew what was going on. I've talked to Luke a few times since I've been back home. Even after today's conversation I had sent him a text message asking him if he even missed me at all, his basic reply as said and as much as it hurts was, " Not as much as one would expect I guess. " How's a woman let a lone his wife supposed to feel after reading that? It's not like he has the guts to come out and tell me that to my face. Rather I want to admit it or not, it appears he flat doesn't care. The other day at the doctors appointment I found out my blood pressure was up to 170/105. They exchanged my blood pressure medications for a new one and hopefully that will help getting my blood pressure down. I'm taking this medication for a week, and then I'll be going back for a week for check ups on how the blood pressure is doing. At least it'll make sure I don't have a stroke or heart attack at 27 years old. I swear I blame my husband for high blood pressure. True part of it is my weight which is another thing doctors were worried about. Back in January before I left I was at 355 and now I am weighing any where between 322, and 323 right now. Doctors are concerned how much weight I have lost during that. The weight loss is good, but the way I was forced to loose it, yea wasn't.

On the flip side of the coin with the good the bad and the ugly I am working a small part time job right now for the elementary school here tutoring children wherever the school basically needs me. That however, only lasts through the end of the week unless the lady who hired me notifies me other wise. The small job has been a blessing really. It's got me out of the house and kept me from constantly dwelling on everything going on in my life right now. I'm still going through sever depression and battling the whole emotional side, but until all this is over I probably will be. Keep me in prayers. Love you guys.

Just a Crazy Update with My Life

Most of you know that on January 28th, 2009 I was married to Lucas James and moved to Columbus GA. Things got pretty bad there. From the 22nd of January I lived 13 days in a motel that I alone paid for just to make sure I had a place to live at. I thought he had all of that taken care of when I had first talked bout moving up there. I had started taking steps to call around on the apartments he said he was interested in holding come to find out nothing had ever been held under his nick. We thought we were going to be able to move into an apartment on the 25th of January and that never happened. He finally forcefully took time off from his command post stating to his Sergeants that he was helping me with some stuff at the hotel and we got married by the court house that day on the 28th.

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Moving to Georgia to be with my Fiancé

For those who have not heard yet, yes I am engaged! I am engaged to a very loving man and very sweet man Lucas James. I'm very thrilled to announce that I will also be moving at the end of the month to be with Luke in Georgia where he's stationed via military in the army. Yes I know for most who know me, this is a first time living away from home. I have thought hard and long on every possible option and where things could go. Yes, the only thing that scares me is the thought of Luke going to Afghanistan for a year and 3 months, but I also took that into consideration upon saying yes to marrying him, and moving to be with him. It's still up in the air as far as direct orders, but as it will seem in November of this coming year after I move down to Georgia Luke will probably be sent over seas to Afghanistan.

I know what few will read this will be thinking she's totally out of her mind for moving down there on such a short time period upon the realization that he may be leaving so soon after. The way I see it, life is too short to live by the what ifs, couldas, woulda's shoulda's trip. I've lived too much behind sheltered doors and protection of the family it is time for me to embark upon my own and I feel its the path the Goddess has wanted me take for a while too.

That's another thing I have come to my firm believe that my religious baises is Wiccan / Pagan. I know not every one agrees with it but that's okay its what's right for me and its what works for me far as my believe system. I'm much more at peace with myself then I ever have been in years, and very happy with my decions to do what I am wanting to do.

If anything does happen to Luke over seas, at least I have the blessed short amount of time that I do get to spend with him even if just for a little while then to never have had this time with him at all. For some yes this is way to sappy sorry yes I am a hopless romantic at heart. What would kill me more tomorrow is if I held back upon every ones wishes other then my own to "play it safe" then doing what my heart is telling me to do, and wonder what Luke and I could have possibly had.

Yes it is going to be hard as hell for me to leave everything I have ever known in life, but that's part of growing and changing for the stronger and the betterment of life. I know yes, Lorin ifyou're reading this you probably think this is the worse idea ever, but to be honest I know Lorin you've never agreeded much to what I have done in the past far as relationships any way. You can ask any one who has been talking with Luke and I both for the betterment of ten years Luke and I knew we're ment to be together and knows finally our chance in doing that. I love him. Thats all I have simply left to say, and at this point my minds made up and he's who I want to be with. Luke James is who I want to spend the rest of my life with and die with if the Goddess allows me to do so. I know its hard to understand, but its what just - feels right - and its what - I need to do for me.

The Many Ways to Say merry Christmas

I was wanting to wish every one a Blessed Yule and Merry Christmas and the best to those who dont really celebrate, but know you're in my thoughts this day! Love you all!

I know that not every one celebrates this time of year for one reason or another but I feel those people should be remembered in our prayers and love as well. Feliz Navidad! I came across site How to Say Merry Christmas and thought it'd be fun to see what every one thought as it being placed in a journal! I had fun with it!

Afrikaans: Geseënde Kersfees
Afrikander: Een Plesierige Kerfees
African/ Eritrean/ Tigrinja: Rehus-Beal-Ledeats
Albanian:Gezur Krislinjden
Arabic: Milad Majid
Argentine: Feliz Navidad
Armenian: Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri: Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Bahasa Malaysia: Selamat Hari Natal
Basque: Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!
Bengali: Shuvo Naba Barsha
Bohemian: Vesele Vanoce
Bosnian: (BOSANSKI) Cestit Bozic i Sretna Nova godina
Brazilian: Feliz Natal
Breton: Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian: Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Catalan: Bon Nadal i un Bon Any Nou!
Chile: Feliz Navidad
Chinese: (Cantonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese: (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan (Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Choctaw: Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito
Columbia: Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo
Cornish: Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Corsian: Pace e salute
Crazanian: Rot Yikji Dol La Roo
Cree: Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian: Sretan Bozic
Czech: Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish: Glædelig Jul
Duri: Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak
Dutch: Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! or Zalig Kerstfeast
English: Merry Christmas
Eskimo: (inupik) Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo!
Esperanto: Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian: Rõõmsaid Jõulupühi
Ethiopian: (Amharic) Melkin Yelidet Beaal
Faeroese: Gledhilig jol og eydnurikt nyggjar!
Farsi: Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish: Hyvaa joulua
Flemish: Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar
French: Joyeux Noel
Frisian: Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
Galician: Bo Nada
Gaelic: Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ùr!
German: Fröhliche Weihnachten
Greek: Kala Christouyenna!
Haiti: (Creole) Jwaye Nowel or to Jesus Edo Bri'cho o Rish D'Shato Brichto
Hausa: Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaiian: Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew: Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi: Shub Naya Baras (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Hausa: Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaian: Mele Kalikimaka ame Hauoli Makahiki Hou!
Hungarian: Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic: Gledileg Jol
Indonesian: Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi: Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish: Nollaig Shona Dhuit, or Nodlaig mhaith chugnat
Iroquois: Ojenyunyat Sungwiyadeson honungradon nagwutut. Ojenyunyat osrasay.
Italian: Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese: Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Jiberish: Mithag Crithagsigathmithags
Korean: Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Lao: souksan van Christmas
Latin: Natale hilare et Annum Faustum!
Latvian: Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu!
Lausitzian:Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto
Lettish: Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian: Linksmu Kaledu
Low Saxon: Heughliche Winachten un 'n moi Nijaar
Macedonian: Sreken Bozhik
Maltese: IL-Milied It-tajjeb
Manx: Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori: Meri Kirihimete
Marathi: Shub Naya Varsh (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Navajo: Merry Keshmish
Norwegian: God Jul, or Gledelig Jul
Occitan: Pulit nadal e bona annado
Papiamento: Bon Pasco
Papua New Guinea: Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu
Pennsylvania German: En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Peru: Feliz Navidad y un Venturoso Año Nuevo
Philipines: Maligayan Pasko!
Polish: Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia or Boze Narodzenie
Portuguese:Feliz Natal
Pushto: Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island): Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rhetian: Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn
Romanche: (sursilvan dialect): Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn!
Rumanian: Sarbatori vesele or Craciun fericit
Russian: Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom
Sami: Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Sardinian: Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou
Serbian: Hristos se rodi
Slovakian: Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Sami: Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scots Gaelic: Nollaig chridheil huibh
Serbian: Hristos se rodi.
Singhalese: Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak: Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene: Vesele Bozicne Praznike Srecno Novo Leto or Vesel Bozic in srecno Novo leto
Spanish: Feliz Navidad
Swedish: God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År
Tagalog: Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil: (Tamizh) Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Trukeese: (Micronesian) Neekiriisimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech!
Thai: Sawadee Pee Mai or souksan wan Christmas
Turkish: Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian: Srozhdestvom Kristovym or Z RIZDVOM HRYSTOVYM
Urdu: Naya Saal Mubarak Ho (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Vietnamese: Chuc Mung Giang Sinh
Welsh: Nadolig Llawen
Yoruba: E ku odun, e ku iye'dun!

Emotional Moment - Dont care need outlet

Right now I am at a loss for words. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas. Friends don't feel like true friends right now especially those that mean the most to me in life at the moment. Most of all I don't feel like any one believes in me. That's what hurts most of all. I do extend apologies to those I have upset they know who they are when they read over this if they do.

Just right now? I don't know, things are just frustrating when a person doesn't feel that . Maybe it is time to fall off the map then hm? Just another day.....
Just mostly wanted people to know im still alive and kicking if this journals even read any more. I've been dealing with the Holiday Blue Depression spree or as i like to fondly call it now the HBD Syndrome. Sounds professional does it not?

Mostly the only thing keeping my head afloat right now is working. That's basically all I do now days. I work then come home. I don't really have a "life" outside of that. So yea...the depressions pretty bad right now. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts in mind so once I have minor bills paid off I can start trying to look for a cheap car to help me get out and about around town at least if I want to escape the apartment.

The way I'm feeling right now is that I have no control in life. When mom leaves to go some where I have two options: Going or staying home. Most often I end up staying home where I am still trapped inside of four walled rooms and not able to escape the prison so to say. A little dramatic I suppose, but its basically how I feel right now.

Work today was just in general frustrating. There was quiet a bit of time between calls with it being Sunday so it was really slow. Yet the calls I did have I didn't feel I accomplished much for the callers I dealt with. I had two people tell me they were closing their capital one credit cards cause of my " poor servicing " IE. I didn't tell them what they wanted to hear to make them happy. There was nothing more that I could have done in both cases that I haven't already tried outside the standard procedure to help someone with their online issues for the CO website that I am technical support for.

To make matters worse I have Tues - Thursday off work so that means - if I don't hang out with friends [what little I have where I live] I'll be stuck at the house for those 3 days accept for when I go to the dentists on Monday evening and to the psychology appointment on Thursday. Yay....fun times.....Can't you just see I am oh so thrilled? *dripping sarcasm*

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